first one in a while

I've been resting (on my laurels) for the better part of a month now. but yesterday i finally felt like going out - not least because i know that dom and milena and susan have been quite conscientious in lacing up for the last few weeks.

i was talking about the notion of competition with k this morning, and i have this theory. nobody likes losing. of course i can't really say that much for certain, but it seems like a reasonable assumption. given the choice between winning and losing (if that's a choice one can make), i imagine that most folks would choose to win.

but for me, the mark of a competitive person lies in how much it matters when he/she loses.

if it's a soul-crushing, unbearable circumstance to be avoided at all costs, then i say you are extremely competitive. and i think we all have that in ourselves to a greater or lesser degree. and of course, it all depends on the battle we're in. i'm much more likely to be competitive if it's a jobhunt than i am if i'm doing a pub quiz. some things i can lose gracefully, and others cause me anguish.

i've met people who hate to lose a friendly game of darts, or croquet, or tiddlywinks. my brothers and i used to compete for our parents' affection (usually measured in grades, or time spent working in the family businesses).

the marathon was a really interesting experience in competitiveness for me. i found myself trying to beat...myself (since there was no way i could ever really be in the 'running' to win, as it were). but i was still trying to finish ahead of the people immediately around me, especially in the last few miles.

i guess i'm circling this to try and talk about how it feels to run with friends and the subtle dynamics and habitual behaviours that come out when there's more than one person ina pack. i might say that all of my friends do really consistent things when we go out. dom runs ahead. milena and susan pace together, with k usually somewhere between them and dom. i know i set off pacing with milena and susan and k, and then sooner or later i find myself out front with dom.

but then i feel bad because i know that i'm just out front with dom because i want to be at the front of the pack. and dom and i push one another sometimes - which in terms of fitness is probably a good thing. i like having a pace partner that makes me go a bit faster than i might do if i were on my own. but i worry that i might also be trying to 'prove something', that i might be competitive in the distasteful sense.

dunno where this is going, but it was a lovely run this morning, and it feels good to run again...